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I was one of those lucky women who had an extremely easy pregnancy. No morning sickness at all, only once did I ever have an issue with a food, it was some cheese. I am not saying this to brag in any way. The birth was also pretty easy compared to most but then I had the audacity to want to breastfeed my child...
I was one of those women who at a young age considered having a breast reduction but after talking to people and realizing I may never be able to breastfeed after surgery, completely wrote it off. All the doctors I had seen during my pregnancy had warned me that I was going to have a very very hard time and I took this warning and did everything I could to make sure that I would have the best chance to be able to breastfeed my child.
My pregnancy was kind of all over the place...literally...Chico, CA, Seattle, WA, Portland, OR, and Chico, CA again. We moved a lot...we had planned on moving before we found out we were having a child. It ended up not working out the way we planned, but does it ever.? With moving comes issues of jobs, insurance, etc. The bottom line is that I met a lot of doctors and they all, sadly, told me the same thing.
After many many visits with a lactation consultant and a screaming infant for days (who was obviously very hungry) she pulled me aside and told me that it was time to take a break...
I was heart broken but started pumping and purchased the perfect bottle so he would not get nipple confusion. The emotional torment was heart wrenching but I pressed on. After a week or so of not breastfeeding my consultant told me to try again...
so again, I tried...
She came to me a few days later and said "Honey, I know you want this and I know how much this means to you but this is one of the worst cases I've seen in my 40+ years working. You need to stop."
This was one of the hardest days of my life!
This is what I was supposed to be able to do, provide food for my baby. I pumped for months, which is extremely time consuming. It's this vicious cycle...feed baby...get baby to sleep...pump...o wait...now baby is awake...when am I supposed to sleep? Much less clean the house, make food, eat, shower, be a wife...
I was at a point where I got 40 minutes a day but only in 5-10 minutes naps. No one can survive for long on that little of sleep, much less be a mother and wife. I was angry...hurt...frustrated and didn't know what to do. Most people believe that women who cannot breastfeed do not exist but that is not true. This is something I do not talk about but I felt the need to share. I know that there is someone out there who needs to hear this.
After months of pumping, my milk dried up and we had to forfeit to complete formula feeding. It was hard but the little guy is a happy, healthy kid. My heart still hurts with the fact that I was not able to breastfeed him but I know I tired, battled, and pushed myself to the limit to make it happen. I am in that small percent that is simply unable to breastfeed. Some people may believe that I should have tried harder, that's fine. You don't have to agree with me but I know I did everything I could have to make it work. I hope this helps the women out there who need it. I am not against breastfeeding in any way, shape or form but I am for what is best for you and your child. Breastfeeding is best but it doesn't work for everyone, some women are simply not able and there is nothing wrong with that.